Art School & Post-Grad Depression: My Experience

Daniela Ortega

Art School

& Post-Grad Depression

A rant & experience

Introduction

University is a whole different thing here in Mexico. In comparison to the United States, for example, it’s not as expensive, and it is generally more accessible than in other countries. We have our fair share of overpriced private schools, but generally speaking, it is wildly available to a certain extent.

I went in right after high school, and although I wanted to pursue a career in music, it was simply not possible for me, accounting crossed my mind, to follow in my mother’s footsteps, but I quickly realized that that would have been a huge mistake.

Art School

First I would like to start by saying that I did enjoy the first part of my time in university, I did quarters instead of regular semesters, which meant I would finish sooner but would have less free time, and that sounded great, and I still would not have wanted it otherwise.

I studied digital art and animation, but this covered a big range of other things like 3D, video editing, photography, and other production-related things.

I went in expecting a lot, I think a lot of people fall for this false idea of how a school will be or is supposed to be, obviously the sales pitch will not be anything like the actual experience, but when you’re someone who has disliked school all of their life, you kind of get your hopes up, you’ll finally study something you like and It’ll make you feel good, you’ll enjoy it, you’ll learn, etc. And partially it is true, but I emphasize the word partially. My past experiences were really bad, and I always had the thought that university was going to be the best next thing, and it wasn't

Something else that I wish I would have known at the time is how to properly manage disappointment; I thought they were going to teach me a lot, that I was going to get the full learning experience, an in-depth, and that might come across as naive, and it, I think we are encouraged to follow the “Natural Path” according to society, and we don’t really know what to think when it doesn’t work out.

Instead of what I expected, we barely scratched the surface on a lot of things, software, skills, techniques, and approach to art. Most of what I know is thanks to extensive internet searching, YouTube videos, and online courses, as well as what just a couple of dedicated teachers taught me. I'm thankful to have had the guidance, but overall it was such a mediocre experience.

I learned that my thing was writing and illustration, and I would not have come to this conclusion had I not gone through the whole experience, and tried different things.

Something on the side that was quite helpful to internalize is that it is important to have a certain level of communication and interaction skills, and not be afraid to talk to other people, this is coming from someone who is generally introverted, and I understand that this adjective gets thrown around a lot these days.

These experiences I’m talking about were mostly pre-pandemic, my last 2 or 3 quarters were spent at home, and the school was not prepared to make this change, and it took them a really long time to make things work for us.

Grades and opinions are important, but they’re not everything, I’m someone who has always got generally average grades, only standing out in a few subjects, but In art school, I did my best to give my 110%, and while it is immensely satisfying seeing a perfect score at a test, or project, at the end of the road it matters less than what you initially thought, it’s still important though. I graduated with an above-average / high score, but I don’t necessarily feel proud.

It looks good when you present it to someone “This girl is a solid student” and it also shows you’re a responsible person, it speaks for you a bit, but ultimately as much as it hurts to say, it’s not as significant, something that is actually significant is the quality of your work. What I mean is your craft,

My coordinator as well as various teachers and members of the school were sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, and later on, I ended up glancing at their transphobic behavior.

Here’s something funny, we used to present a big project every quarter, and they used to make us wear suits and look supposedly tidy, prepare a presentation, a small stage, and even buy snacks for everyone, and speaking about the dress code that meant sticking to basic concepts of masculinity and femininity because if we were to break them, that could do some social harm, essentially if you’re trans or non-binary, it’s a huge fuck you...

Pre-transition I was asked to remove my acrylic nails, tie my hair, and get rid of earrings and other jewelry, not to mention any traces of makeup. Women were not allowed to wear much makeup, or even pants or ties if they wanted to, and they had to stick to “Normal” nail polish colors.

I think you can imagine this was… stressful, to say the least.

Among other things, we had to deliver our work on a CD with a hand-made label on top, and we used to present our project in front of judges and an audience, and most of the judges and people that rated our projects were middle-aged (Mostly men) that didn’t entirely approve of what we did and they were the type of person who enjoyed chewing us out in front of a lot of people to reinforce their authority and power. Also, most of them had absolutely very little to no knowledge about what we did and what we were about to present, and their idea of what we did was those hand-made funny cartoons from almost half a century ago, no joke. We used to send a detailed document about our work before each project, but it was pointless, they red bits and pieces but rarely the whole thing, and it would rarely serve a purpose, the very few younger judges were essentially not interested in what we did, and they were forced to be there, but couldn’t even bother to put up with the act.

Most of my teachers were very distasteful people, a huge percentage was mediocre as well, and so were most of my classes. I count 4 or 5 teachers that I think were decent people, 2 of them only taught us for one quarter.

I would like to mention one of those two, her name is Katya, encouraged me to seek help, psychological help, and if it wasn’t for her, I would not have started my transition in the first place, and that is something I would never forget. As much as we like to generalize places and organizations, not all of the apples in the basket are exactly rotten, but you just kind of have to dig deep to find the ones that are not.

Going back to the idea of disappointment that I mentioned previously, at the beginning they specifically told us we could pick certain classes based on what we liked, tailored a bit more towards our skills. I wanted more classes related to scriptwriting, and I had no control over it in the end.

Another thing that happened during my time was that no licenses for the softwares we required in order to work and learn were provided for us, we had to rely on pirated software, a lot of days were essentially wasted because we would spend our hours and change just trying to get the software in question, AND get it to work on poorly maintained machines, and most of the time we spent it in an enclosed, hot computer lab with a window that didn't work, and the people who had authority over it didn’t care enough to pay for the reparation of said window. Our school did end up doing some remodeling, but only because they were sanctioned by the state for not doing so, if allowed, things would have continued to be the way they were.

At one time a friend shared this in his stories and was punished by the school for doing so.

I certainly don’t miss packaged convenience store food and clover cigarette packs. My friends and I were this group of walking chimneys with cameras, it was quite funny.

We had analogic photography at school for a quarter, and I ended up really liking it. The bad thing is that it can turn expensive quickly.

One of the reasons I think things felt incomplete is because they tried to teach us so many things in so little time, that they stretched themselves thin. We ended up not even going deep into anything in particular BUT 3D. At some point, we were supposed to switch the animation software we used, which was Animate to some others, but we never did. We touched on after fx and character animation, but again, very briefly.

On a more personal side, University did have a psychological toll on me, because everyone has a breaking point, and it is important to try and take care of yourself, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

I reached a peak point in my anxiety, continuous self-harmful behavior, and self-mutilation, chain-smoking, I reached my highest weight, and my insecurities and self-doubt were essentially destroying me, there was a time where I even contemplated suicide again.

I'm better now, I was able to lose the extra weight, went to therapy, learned to manage my anxiety, stopped my self-mutilation, started my transition, stopped smoking right after COVID, and overall learned to tolerate school a bit more, at least those last quarters, there's no sense in constantly complaining about things, sometimes we have to do the best with what we have, and that's fine, it's not always our fault, systems aren't perfect. I understand not everyone’s situation is the same, but I always like to try and not just simply standstill, even if it doesn’t work out, at least it is worth knowing you did your best.

I'm thankful that my mother was able to support me through these years, that I got to learn what I learned, despite the terrible experience I am happy that I learned how to improve my life, that I met nice people amongst the bunch of generally horrible ones.

But right now, I'm just super ready to move on.

Post-Grad Depression

There are common “symptoms” that indicate post-grad anxiety or even depression; Feeling constantly worried and fearful about the future, feeling a lack of support after finishing school, feelings of failure if you are unable to find work in your area of specialty in a considerably reasonable length of time, especially with how things are right now.

Scholars and psychologists often consider these behaviors as a form of result related to addictive behavior, while I cannot speak for others, I can speak for myself and say that I doing this to be true, in my personal life at least: I got addicted to spending a lot of time in school, stressing out, even interacting with others, and now that I don’t have to wake up everyday and stress out about exams, projects, work, homework, it feels like something is missing.

Mundane things like living arrangements, daily life, personal connections, chores, can feel overwhelming. Things like loneliness, general sadness, decreased motivation, loss of interest, disorganization, and even hopelessness are present in our lives, or can be after graduation, they certainly have managed to be part of my life in recent times.

And I would like to say that this doesn't always look the same; I could experience all of those things and simply decide to sit in my room playing games that I like, or watching films, trying to shift my focus from life to something else, compulsively listening to music, driving to nowhere in particular, and buying things for myself just to have something to look forward to, but other people might engage in different practices like partying, social gatherings, opposite things, drinking or doing overly happy and enthusiastic activities, it generally is different for many of us.

What I’m trying to say by mentioning all of this is that is is something more common than we think, i think we have reached a point where we don’t even realize it because it is so normalized and part of our society now,

Here are some resources that I found that might help someone out, I would share what works for me, but to be frank, I’m still trying to keep myself together and figure things out, I’m still vulnerable. At any rate, here are some helpful insights:

• Planning: for short or long term, relocating, returning home, but have something to look forward to regarding your living situation.

• Having a social network or circle of people and support

• Talking about it, it helps, and many people experience similar things to you, so don’t be afraid to speak up, seek support.

• Managing stress by exercising, having a routine, and generally managing your time so it accommodates your psychological needs.

• Explore and consider other opportunities, broaden your mind.

And here are some personal ones:

Finding a job is hard, but try to stay focused and on track, try to keep it together and be patient. Seek support, talk to people that matter to you, and finally remember that success is relative, and that the burden of your weight is temporary, bad days don’t last forever.